House Cleaning Tips

Dirt: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun.  Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs: Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.

If your husband points out  that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim, "What?  And spoil the mood?" (I just throw glitter on them &call them holiday decorations).

Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.  (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter).

Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door.  As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl, and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed, and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist, "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

Painting: Don't bother repainting.  Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this when he was 3 years old, and I haven't had the heart to clean it."

General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle.  Mist the air lightly.  Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations.  Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean, and I still don't get anywhere."

As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for  bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...   Works every time.

If the house is clean, the computer has crashed.