The Scientology Xmas catalog is pretty much what you'd expect, if
you're familiar with the cult: enormously expensive (as in, "mortgage
your house and embezzle from your employer") sets of books and DVDs/CDs,
as well as crude, tarted up skin galvanometers ("e-meters") that are
the holy relics of the faith.
Price: $5,000
Copy: "Your guarantee of total freedom … With this meter, your auditing
will never be the same again. Your preclears will make spectacular
progress up the Bridge. The Mark Ultra VIII meter's unequaled precision,
clarity, and ease of operation are here for you … with accuracy
guaranteed for eternity."
Drew Says: I like that this product is supposedly guaranteed for
eternity, because a) that is obviously not possible, and b) I bet if
your shit breaks, and you take it to your designated Sea Org admiral,
he'll make you buy six more. For $5,000, this piece of shit oughta make
you a decent cappuccino, operate your home thermostat remotely, and
finely dice vegetables. But instead, all you get is a lie detector that
doesn't work. It doesn't even have WiFi. Now how am I supposed to upload
all of Cousin Jenny's thought crimes to the cloud? WHAT A RIP.
Please note that the Mark Ultra VIII comes with free electrodes! "Our
gift to you," the copy says. Why, you'd practically be losing money if
you didn't buy the thing now. These electrodes look like anal-probing
suppositories, but you actually hold them in your hand while the
church's local hired goon audits you. I assume the fancier e-meters come
with free nipple clamps.
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