2008: Misconduct! Manipulation! Money-grubbing!
... And that's just United Way
Worst new idea of the year:
Sam Massell, promoter of Atlanta's Buckhead neighborhood, offered this advice to Charlotte: “The ‘South Park' cartoon out there … can leave a very negative impression for people. … Your leaders might want to consider changing the area's name. Doing that would make national news.”
And WMDs! I'm SURE there were WMDs!
In her supposed memoir, “The Last Dance for Grace,” Durham stripper Crystal Mangum wrote, “I want to assert, without equivocation, that I was assaulted.”
Worst new song of the year:
“Chapel on the Hill,” performed by the High and Mighties. Sample lyrics: “Hit Peppers Pizza for a slice walking down Franklin Street/ Pass a lady selling flowers, Hare Krishnas kick their beat.”
Worst new song of the year (runner-up):
“It's So Much Fun to Be This Good,” performed by the Bad Daddies for the Charlotte Chamber. Sample lyrics: “Pro-business attitude/Three-five-two-one latitude.”
Hey, don't let it stifle your opinions – there's always WBT:
An unidentified N.C. State student, apologizing for having spray-painted “Hang Obama by a Noose” in the Free Expression Tunnel, said, “My intentions were simply to express my views on the outcome of the election, but went too far.”
Worst new smell of the year:
“UNC for Women … a refreshing, airy and sparkling fragrance with soft base notes evoking the beauty, romance and Southern charm of Carolina's Old Well.” $60 for 3.4 ounces.
Worst old smell of the year:
Mac McCarley, Charlotte city attorney, likened the scent of Wallace Farm to “vomit heated in a frying pan.”
Pa would've rolled over in his grave – if he'd ever gotten there:
While serving an arrest warrant, New Hanover County sheriff's deputies plunged a funeral into chaos by Tasering the dead man's son, who was serving as pallbearer.
Understatement of the year:
Curiously out of touch with how United Way came to have a job opening, interim CEO Mac Everett speculated that “people maybe have a reason to be angry, I don't know.”
Blunderstatement of the year:
S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford, attempting to explain to Wolf Blitzer how John McCain's economic policies differ from President Bush's: “Um, yeah. I mean for instance, take, you know, um, uh, take for instance the issue of, uh, of, um (drums fingers), I'm drawing a blank, and, I hate it when I do that, particularly on television.”
Blunderstatement understatement of the year:
“Sound bites,” press secretary Joel Sawyer acknowledged, “have never been the governor's strong suit.”
Overstatement of the year:
Impatient about the arrival of $80 million in incentives for not relocating his track, Bruton Smith complained to Concord City Council that “I'm being the victim all over again.”
Overstatement of the year (runner-up):
Two weeks after Bob Steel touted Wachovia's “great future as an independent company,” the bank announced it was selling itself.
Sports historians will note that by 2008 the supply of unused team names had become so depleted that a minor-league baseball franchise in North Carolina resorted to identifying itself with a punctuation mark:
The Winston-Salem Warthogs changed their name to the Dash. (Eat your heart out, Wilkes-Barre!)
Would you want your sister to marry a (North Carolina) legislator?
Barely two years after gutting an ethics bill that would've limited how quickly former legislators could hire on as lobbyists, Drew Saunders of Huntersville, House Utilities Committee chairman, resigned to hire on as a utilities lobbyist.
Would you want your sister to marry a (South Carolina) legislator?
Denying any connection between his political action committee's taking $16,500 from payday lenders and his House committee's killing a reform bill, Harry Cato of Greenville, S.C., insisted, “I know in my heart, when I look in the mirror each morning, that contributions don't influence me. I answer to myself and what I know is right.”
Metaphor of the year:
Explaining how the recession nudged his store for nursing mothers “more toward Main Street and away from Rodeo Drive,” Adam Schmitz said, “We had to look really hard in the mirror and say, ‘There are bags under those eyes, and they're Gucci bags and we've got to get rid of them.'”
Want that with or without angioplasty prep?
New this year at the N.C. State Fair: deep-fried macaroni and cheese.
As a backup offensive lineman, he had long envied the better-known players' boisterous end-zone celebrations. Then one night something … popped:
Panthers lineman Jeremy Bridges was arrested after an incident that started with his spraying other restaurant patrons with Dom Perignon.
Dear God, you know I really MEANT to study harder for that English lit midterm:
In an ill-conceived security exercise, a mock intruder burst into a classroom at Elizabeth City State University, pointed what appeared to be a handgun, ordered the terrified students to line up against a wall and threatened to kill the one with the lowest grade-point average.
*****
Lew's been at this for 32 years, wow! Has it been that long already ... seems like only yesterday.
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