You Know and Only a

You know you are from the South if...

The men call it "glavantin" when they go out on Saturday night.

You do ok with 3 channels on a B&W TV.

You put ATV tires on the rear of your Poulan lawnmower so it wont get stuck mowing the barn pasture.

Your nickname has nothing to do with your real name or anything you did.

When picking huckleberries you put a joint of stove pipe on each leg to keep away the rattlesnakes.

You know that "mustard" is not only the yellow stuff you put on hot dogs, but that it is a type of green vegetable.

You know what a taw and an aggie and a cat's eye are.

You know what Jack rocks are and what a Jack leg mechanic is.

You know where the jumping-off place is and someone who has gone there.

You know what "wool gathering" means.

You know what "the short rows" are.

You know what it means when your ma is 'fixin to snatch a nappy knot in your behind'

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a "hissy fit" and a "caniption", and that you don't "have" them you "pitch" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., constitutes a "mess" ... and we ain't givin' up our secrets to no Yankees.

Only a Southerner can point out the general direction of "yonder".

Only a Southeren knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in "Going to the store, be back directly".

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty bowl in the middle of the table.

Only a Southerner knows when "by and by" is. They may not use the term but they know the concept well.

Every Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis they also know to add a large banana puddin'.

Every Southerner grows up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a far piece". They also know that "just down the road" can be one mile or twenty.

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol'boy, and po'white trash.

No true Southerner would assume the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

Every Southerner knows "fixin'," can be used as a noun or a verb.

Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "qeues", we do "lines" and when we're "in line" we talk to everybody.

Only Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows that eggs, bacon, grits and iced tea are great together: that "red eye" gravy is a breakfast food and that fried green tomatoes are not.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself a'lookin'," you are honored to be in the presence of a genuine Southerner.

A true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at the little old lady that drives 30mph on the highway. Just just say "Bless her heart" and be on your way.

To all of you that are still having a hard time understanding this Southern stuff: "Bless your hearts." They are a'fixin' to have classes in how to understand the Language of the Gods.

For all those that were NOT born Southern, but have been here a long time need a sign for your front porch that reads, "I ain't originally from the South, but I got here as fast as I could!".