When
you meet someone, after, "What do you do?" you're out of things to say.
You suck at small talk, and those first five minutes are tough because
you're a little shy and a little insecure.
But you want to make a good impression. You want people to genuinely like you.
Here's how remarkably likeable people do it:
They lose the power pose.
I
know: Your parents taught you to stand tall, square your shoulders,
stride purposefully forward, drop your voice a couple of registers, and
shake hands with a firm grip.
It's great to display nonverbal
self-confidence, but go too far and it seems like you're trying to
establish your importance. That makes the "meeting" seem like it's more
about you than it is the other person--and no one likes that.
No
matter how big a deal you are you pale in comparison to say, oh, Nelson
Mandela. So take a cue from him. Watch how he greets Bill Clinton, no
slouch at this either.
Clinton takes a step forward (avoiding the
"you must come to me" power move); Mandela steps forward with a smile
and bends slightly forward as if, ever so slightly, to bow (a clear sign
of deference and respect in nearly every culture); Clinton does the
same. What you have are two important people who put aside all sense of
self-importance or status. They're genuine.
Next time you meet
someone, relax, step forward, tilt your head towards them slightly,
smile, and show that you're the one who is honored by the
introduction--not them.
We all like people who like us. If I show
you I'm genuinely happy to meet you, you'll instantly start to like me.
(And you'll show that you do, which will help calm my nerves and let me
be myself.)
They embrace the power of touch.
Nonsexual
touch can be very powerful. (Yes, I'm aware that sexual touch can be
powerful too.) Touch can influence behavior, increase the chances of
compliance, make the person doing the touching seem more attractive and
friendly.
Go easy, of course: Pat the other person lightly on the upper arm or shoulder. Make it casual and nonthreatening.
Check
out Clinton's
right-hand-shakes-hands-left-hand-touches-Mandela's-forearm-a-second-later
handshake in the link above and tell me, combined with his posture and
smile, that it doesn't come across as genuine and sincere.
Think
the same won't work for you? Try this: The next time you walk up behind a
person you know, touch them lightly on the shoulder as you go by. I
guarantee you'll feel like a more genuine greeting was exchanged.
Touch
breaks down natural barriers and decreases the real and perceived
distance between you and the other person--a key component in liking and
in being liked.
They whip out their social jiu-jitsu.
You meet someone. You talk for 15 minutes. You walk away thinking, "Wow, we just had a great conversation. She is awesome."
Then, when you think about it later, you realize you didn't learn a thing about the other person.
Remarkably
likeable people are masters at Social Jiu-Jitsu, the ancient art of
getting you to talk about yourself without you ever knowing it happened.
SJJ masters are fascinated by every step you took in creating a
particularly clever pivot table, by every decision you made when you
transformed a 200-slide PowerPoint into a TED Talk-worthy presentation,
if you do say so yourself...
SJJ masters use their interest, their politeness, and their social graces to cast an immediate spell on you.
And you like them for it.
Social
jiu-jitsu is easy. Just ask the right questions. Stay open-ended and
allow room for description and introspection. Ask how, or why, or who.
As
soon as you learn a little about someone, ask how they did it. Or why
they did it. Or what they liked about it, or what they learned from it,
or what you should do if you're in a similar situation.
No one
gets too much recognition. Asking the right questions implicitly shows
you respect another person's opinion--and, by extension, the person.
We all like people who respect us, if only because it shows they display great judgment.
(Kidding. Sort of.)
They whip out something genuine.
Everyone is better than you at something. (Yes, that's true even for you.) Let them be better than you.
Too
many people when they first meet engage in some form of penis-measuring
contest. Crude reference but one that instantly calls to mind a time
you saw two alpha male master-of-the business-universe types whip out
their figurative rulers. (Not literally, of course. I hope you haven't
seen that.)
Don't try to win the "getting to know someone"
competition. Try to lose. Be complimentary. Be impressed. Admit a
failing or a weakness.
You don't have to disclose your darkest
secrets. If the other person says, "We just purchased a larger
facility," say, "That's awesome. I have to admit I'm jealous. We've
wanted to move for a couple years but haven't been able to put together
the financing. How did you pull it off?"
Don't be afraid to show a
little vulnerability. People may be (momentarily) impressed by the
artificial, but people sincerely like the genuine.
Be the real you. People will like the real you.
They ask for nothing.
You
know the moment: You're having a great conversation, you're finding
things in common... and then bam! Someone plays the networking card.
And everything about your interaction changes.
Put
away the hard-charging, goal-oriented, always-on kinda persona. If you
have to ask for something, find a way to help the other person, then ask
if you can.
Remarkably likeable people focus on what they can do for you--not for themselves.
They "close" genuinely.
"Nice to meet you," you say, nodding once as you part. That's the standard move, one that is instantly forgettable.
Instead
go back to the beginning. Shake hands again. Use your free hand to
gently touch the other person's forearm or shoulder. Say, "I am really
glad I met you." Or say, "You know, I really enjoyed talking with you."
Smile: Not that insincere salesperson smile that goes with, "Have a nice
day!" but a genuine, appreciative smile.
Making a great first impression is important, but so is making a great last impression.
And they accept it isn't easy.
All
this sounds simple, right? It is. But it's not easy, especially if
you're shy. The standard, power pose, "Hello, how are you, good to meet
you, good seeing you," shuffle feels a lot safer.
But it won't make people like you.
So
accept it's hard. Accept that being a little more deferential, a little
more genuine, a little more complimentary and a little more vulnerable
means putting yourself out there. Accept that at first it will feel
risky.
But don't worry: When you help people feel a little better about themselves--which is reason enough--they'll like you for it.
And you'll like yourself a little more, too.
Leslie's pragmatic endorsement of the principles and practices of what
might otherwise be described as mindfulness is typical of the
psychopath. A psychopath's rapacious proclivity to live in the moment,
to “give tomorrow the slip and take today on a joyride” (as Larry,
rather whimsically, puts it), is well documented—and at times can be
stupendously beneficial. In fact, anchoring your thoughts unswervingly
in the present is a discipline that psychopathy and spiritual
enlightenment have in common. Clinical psychologist Mark Williams of the
University of Oxford, for example, incorporates this principle of
centering in his mindfulness-based cognitive-behavior therapy program
for sufferers of anxiety and depression.
