Jacob
Tomsky has worked on the front lines of hotels for more than a decade,
starting as a lowly valet in New Orleans and ultimately landing at a
front desk in New York City. He’s also the author of
Heads in Beds: A Reckless Memoir of Hotels, Hustles, and So-Called Hospitality and a man with some hospitality secrets to spill.
1. HOTELS ARE RAKING IT IN.
The
fact that a hotel could fail to be profitable astounds me. Why? The
average cost to turn over a room, to keep it operational per day, is
between $30 and $40. If you’re paying less than $30 dollars a night at a
hotel/motel, I’d wager the cost to flip that room runs close to $5.
Which makes me want to take a shower. At home. That $40 turnover cost
includes cleaning supplies, electricity, and hourly wages for
housekeepers, minibar attendants, front desk agents, and all other
employees needed to operate a room as well as the cost of laundering the
sheets. Everything. Compare that with an average room rate, and you
can see why it’s a profitable business.
2. STAYING FOR JUST ONE NIGHT? YOU MIGHT GET “WALKED.”
The
term “walking a guest” sends shivers down any manager’s spine. Since
the average no-show rate is 10 percent daily, hotels will overbook
whenever possible. The sales and reservations departments are
encouraged to book the property to 110 percent capacity, in the hopes
that with cancellations and no-shows they will fill every room. What
happens when the numbers game doesn’t play in the hotel’s favor? Someone
gets walked. The hotel will now pay for the entire night’s room and
tax (plus one phone call—how cute is that?) at another comparable hotel
in the area.
A guest is more likely to get walked if:
1. He booked using Expedia, hence he has a deeply discounted rate and is less important.
2. He never stayed here before and may never visit the city again.
3. He’s a one-nighter.
4. And this one is so much more important than all the others: He is acting like a jerk.
3. SMART COMPLAINERS WIN.
Though most
complaints should be delivered to the front desk directly, in person or
on the phone, keep in mind that most issues will not have been caused
by the front desk at all. So briefly outline your problem, offer a
solution if you have one, and then ask whom you should speak with to
have the problem solved. “Should I speak to a manager about this?”
“Should I speak to housekeeping about this?” Those are wonderful and
beautiful questions to ask. Most of the time, the front desk will be
able to solve the problem immediately or at least act as proxy.
Want
to make sure that the agent doesn’t nod, say “certainly,” and not do a
damn thing? Get his or her name. Nothing tightens up an employee’s
throat like being directly identified. You don’t have to threaten him
or her either, just a nice casual “Thanks for your help. I’ll stop by
later to make sure everything has been taken care of. Tommy, right?”
Whatever you asked me to do I am doing it. (Will screaming get you what
you want? Well, probably. But it’s not nearly as effective.)
4. THERE’S A BETTER WAY TO CASE A PILLOW.
To
put on a pillowcase, the housekeepers throw a solid karate chop right
down the middle of the pillow and then shove it in, folded like a bun.
This method is preferred to the civilian method of tucking it under
your chin and pulling up the pillowcase like a pair of pants because
these ladies have no interest in letting 50 pillows a day come into
contact with their faces.
5. ENJOY YOUR LEMONY FRESH GLASSES.
You
know what cleans the hell out of a mirror, and I’m talking no streaks?
Windex? No. Furniture polish. Spray on a thick white base, rub it in,
and you’ll be face-to-face with a spotless, streak-free mirror.
However, I am not recommending you take this tip and apply it in your
own home. Though using furniture polish is quick and effective, over
time it causes a waxy buildup that requires a deep scrub.
The
housekeepers kept this move behind closed doors along with another
dirty secret I didn’t discover until I walked in on ladies with Pledge
in one hand and a minibar glass in the other. Keeping those glasses
clean-looking was also part of the job. So the next time you put a
little tap water into the glass and wonder why it has a pleasant lemon
aftertaste, it’s because you just took a shot of Pledge.
6. NEVER, EVER PAY FOR THE MINIBAR.
Minibars.
Most people are appalled at the prices. However, you never have to pay
for the items in the minibar. Why not? Minibar charges are, without
question, the most disputed charges on any bill. That is because the
process for applying those charges is horribly inexact. Keystroke
errors, delays in restocking, double stocking, and hundreds of other
missteps make minibar charges the most voided item. Even before guests
can manage to get through half of the “I never had those items”
sentence, I have already removed the charges and am now simply waiting
for them to wrap up the overly zealous denial so we can both move on
with our lives.
7. BOOK ON A DISCOUNT SITE, GET A DISCOUNT EXPERIENCE.
Reservations
made through Internet discount sites are almost always slated for our
worst rooms. Does this seem unfair? First of all, we earn the slimmest
profit from these reservations. And honestly, those guests didn’t
really choose our property based on quality; they chose based on value.
We were at the top of a list sorted by price. But the guest behind
them in line, the one with a heavy $500 rate, she selected this hotel.
When she comes to New York, she goes to our website to see what’s
available. Since we have no reason to assume Internet guests will ever
book with us again, unless our discount is presented to them, it truly
makes business sense to save our best rooms for guests who book of their
own volition.
8. BELLMEN HATE YOUR SUITCASE—BUT NOT BECAUSE IT’S HEAVY.
Bernard
Sadow: the man all bellmen hate, though they’ve never heard his name.
In 1970, he invented the wheeled suitcase, the bane of the bellman’s
existence. Before that, the bellman was a necessity, a provider of ease
and comfort, a useful member of society. When Sadow sold his first
prototype to Macy’s in October 1970, he instigated a catastrophic
change in the hospitality environment, causing the once noble species
to retreat, rethink, and reemerge as a hustler fighting for survival.
Sadow might as well have invented the phrase no bellman wants to hear,
the phrase that leaves bills unpaid and ruins Christmas: “No, thanks, I
got it.” Or that surprisingly prevalent and ignorant phrase: “I don’t
want to bother him.” Don’t want to bother him? The man has a family. No
one is being bothered here!
9. FRONT DESK AGENTS CAN ALSO BE AGENTS OF KARMA.
Any
arriving guest should receive what are referred to as initial keys,
which are programmed to reset the door lock when they are first
inserted, deactivating all previous keys. Not until the keys expire or a
new initial key enters the lock will the keys fail to work. With a
“key bomb,” I cut one single initial key and then start over and cut a
second initial key. Either one of them will work when you get to the
room, and as long as you keep using the very first key you slipped in,
all will be well.
But chances are you’ll pop in the second key at
some point, and then the first key you used will be considered invalid.
Trace that back to me? Not a chance. Trace that back to the fact that
you told your 9-year-old daughter to shut her mouth while harshly
ripping off her tiny backpack at check-in? Never.
10. THERE’S ONE SUREFIRE WAY TO GET AN UPGRADE.
Here is one of the top lies that come out of a front desk agent’s mouth: “All the rooms are basically the same, sir.”
Bull.
There is always a corner room, a room with a bigger flat screen, a
room that, because of the building’s layout, has a larger bath with two
sinks, a room that fits two roll-aways with ease, a room that, though
listed as standard, actually has a partial view of the Hudson River.
There is always a better room, and when I feel that 20 you slipped me
burning in my pocket, I will find it for you. And if there is nothing
to be done room-wise, I have a slew of other options: late checkout,
free movies, free minibar, room service amenities, and more. I will do
whatever it takes to deserve the tip and then a little bit more in the
hope that you’ll hit me again.
Some people feel nervous about this
move. Please don’t. We are authorized to upgrade for special
occasions. The special occasion occurring now is that I have a solid
20. That’s special enough for me!
,
which was later turned into a Hollywood blockbuster, alien's first
transmission to Earth contained images of Adolf Hitler (uh-oh!) opening
the 1936 Olympic Games in Berlin. Obviously, they've been watching our
TV. But if you think watching Hitler was bad, imagine getting
transmissions of Jersey Shore, which has just now reached Alpha
Centauri. Needless to say, we are all doomed!
