by Mark Manson
Imagine you have a brother and he’s an alcoholic. He has his
moments, but you keep your distance from him. You don’t mind him for
the occasional family gathering or holiday. You still love him. But you
don’t want to be around him.
This
is how I lovingly describe my current relationship with the United
States. The United States is my alcoholic brother. And although I will
always love him, I don’t want to be near him at the moment.
I know that’s harsh, but I really feel
my home country is not in a good place these days. That’s not a
socio-economic statement (although that’s on the decline as well), but
rather a cultural one.
I realize it’s going to be impossible to write sentences like the
ones above without coming across as a raging prick, so let me try to
soften the blow to my American readers with an analogy:
You know when you move out of your parents’ house and live on your
own, how you start hanging out with your friends’ families and you
realize that actually, your family was a little screwed up? Stuff you
always assumed was normal your entire childhood, it turns out was pretty
weird and may have actually fucked you up a little bit. You know, dad
thinking it was funny to wear a Santa Claus hat in his underwear every
Christmas or the fact that you and your sister slept in the same bed
until you were 22, or that your mother routinely cried over a bottle of
wine while listening to Elton John.
The point is we don’t really get perspective on what’s close to us
until we spend time away from it. Just like you didn’t realize the weird
quirks and nuances of your family until you left and spent time with
others, the same is true for country and culture. You often don’t see
what’s messed up about your country and culture until you step outside
of it.
And so even though this article is going to come across as fairly
scathing, I want my American readers to know: some of the stuff we do,
some of the stuff that we always assumed was normal, it’s kind of
screwed up. And that’s OK. Because that’s true with every culture. It’s
just easier to spot it in others (i.e., the French) so we don’t always
notice it in ourselves.
So
as you read this article, know that I’m saying everything with tough
love, the same tough love with which I’d sit down and lecture an
alcoholic family member. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It doesn’t
mean there aren’t some awesome things about you (BRO, THAT’S
AWESOME!!!). And it doesn’t mean I’m some saint either, because god
knows I’m pretty screwed up (I’m American, after all). There are just a
few things you need to hear. And as a friend, I’m going to tell them to
you.
And to my foreign readers, get your necks ready, because this is going to be a nod-a-thon.
A Little “What The Hell Does This Guy Know?” Background: I’ve
lived in different parts of the US, both the deep south and the
northeast. I have visited most of the US’s 50 states. I’ve spent the
past three years living almost entirely outside of the United States.
I’ve lived in multiple countries in Europe, Asia and South America. I’ve
visited over 40 countries in all and have spent far more time with
non-Americans than with Americans during this period. I speak multiple
languages. I’m not a tourist. I don’t stay in resorts and rarely stay in
hostels. I rent apartments and try to integrate myself into each
country I visit as much as possible. So there.
(Note: I realize these are generalizations and I realize there are
always exceptions. I get it. You don’t have to post 55 comments telling
me that you and your best friend are exceptions. If you really get that
offended from some guy’s blog post, you may want to double-check your
life priorities.)
OK, we’re ready now. 10 things Americans don’t know about America.
1. FEW PEOPLE ARE IMPRESSED BY US
Unless you’re speaking with a real
estate agent or a prostitute, chances are they’re not going to be
excited that you’re American. It’s not some badge of honor we get to
parade around. Yes, we had Steve Jobs and Thomas Edison, but unless you
actually are Steve Jobs or Thomas Edison (which is unlikely) then
most people around the world are simply not going to care. There are
exceptions of course. And those exceptions are called English and
Australian people. Whoopdie-fucking-doo.
As Americans, we’re brought up our entire lives being taught that
we’re the best, we did everything first and that the rest of the world
follows our lead. Not only is this not true, but people get irritated
when you bring it to their country with you. So don’t.
2. FEW PEOPLE HATE US
Despite the occasional eye-rolling, and complete inability to
understand why anyone would vote for George W. Bush, people from other
countries don’t hate us either. In fact — and I know this is a really
sobering realization for us —
most people in the world don’t really think about us or care about us.
I know, that sounds absurd, especially with CNN and Fox News showing
the same 20 angry Arab men on repeat for ten years straight. But unless
we’re invading someone’s country or threatening to invade someone’s
country (which is likely), then there’s a 99.99% chance they don’t care
about us. Just like we rarely think about the people in Bolivia or
Mongolia, most people don’t think about us much. They have jobs, kids,
house payments — you know, those things called lives — to worry about.
Kind of like us.
Americans tend to assume that the rest of the world either loves us
or hates us (this is actually a good litmus test to tell if someone is
conservative or liberal). The fact is, most people feel neither. Most
people don’t think much about us.
Remember that immature girl in high school, who every little thing
that happened to her meant that someone either hated her or was obsessed
with her; who thought every teacher who ever gave her a bad grade was
being totally unfair and everything good that happened to her was
because of how amazing she was? Yeah, we’re that immature high school
girl.
3. WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE REST OF THE WORLD
For all of our talk about being global leaders and how everyone
follows us, we don’t seem to know much about our supposed “followers.”
They often have completely different takes on history than we do. Here
were some brain-stumpers for me: the Vietnamese believe the Vietnam War
was about China (not us), Hitler was primarily defeated by Russia (not
us), Native Americans were wiped out largely disease and plague (not
us), and the American Revolution was “won” because the British cared
more about beating France (not us). Notice a running theme here?
(Hint: It’s not all about us.)
We did not invent democracy. We didn’t even invent modern democracy.
There were parliamentary systems in England and other parts of Europe
over a hundred years before we created government. In a recent
survey of young Americans,
63% could not find Iraq on a map (despite being at war with them), and
54% did not know Sudan was a country in Africa. Yet, somehow we’re
positive that everyone else looks up to us.
4. WE ARE POOR AT EXPRESSING GRATITUDE AND AFFECTION
There’s a saying about English-speakers. We say “Go fuck yourself,”
when we really mean “I like you,” and we say “I like you,” when we
really mean “Go fuck yourself.”
Outside of getting shit-housed drunk and screaming “I LOVE YOU,
MAN!”, open displays of affection in American culture are tepid and
rare. Latin and some European cultures describe us as “cold” and
“passionless” and for good reason. In our social lives we don’t say what
we mean and we don’t mean what we say.
In our culture, appreciation and affection are implied rather than
spoken outright. Two guy friends call each other names to reinforce
their friendship; men and women tease and make fun of each other to
imply interest. Feelings are almost never shared openly and freely.
Consumer culture has cheapened our language of gratitude. Something
like, “It’s so good to see you” is empty now because it’s expected and
heard from everybody.
In dating, when I find a woman attractive, I almost always walk right
up to her and tell her that a) I wanted to meet her, and b) she’s
beautiful. In America, women usually get incredibly nervous and confused
when I do this. They’ll make jokes to defuse the situation or sometimes
ask me if I’m part of a TV show or something playing a prank. Even when
they’re interested and go on dates with me, they get a bit disoriented
when I’m so blunt with my interest. Whereas, in almost every other
culture approaching women this way is met with a confident smile and a
“Thank you.”
5. THE QUALITY OF LIFE FOR THE AVERAGE AMERICAN IS NOT THAT GREAT
If you’re extremely talented or intelligent, the US is probably the
best place in the world to live. The system is stacked heavily to allow
people of talent and advantage to rise to the top quickly.
The problem with the US is that
everyone thinks they are of
talent and advantage. As John Steinbeck famously said, the problem with
poor Americans is that “they don’t believe they’re poor, but rather
temporarily embarrassed millionaires.” It’s this culture of
self-delusion that allows America to continue to innovate and churn out
new industry more than anyone else in the world. But this shared
delusion also unfortunately keeps perpetuating large social inequalities
and the quality of life for the average citizen lower than most other
developed countries. It’s the price we pay to maintain our growth and
economic dominance.
In my
Guide to Wealth,
I defined being wealthy as, “Having the freedom to maximize one’s life
experiences.” In those terms, despite the average American having more
material wealth than citizens of most other countries (more cars, bigger
houses, nicer televisions), their overall quality of life suffers in my
opinion. American people on average
work more hours with less vacation, spend
more time commuting every day, and are saddled with
over $10,000 of
debt. That’s a lot of time spent working and buying crap and little
time or disposable income for relationships, activities or new
experiences.
6. THE REST OF THE WORLD IS NOT A SLUM-RIDDEN SHITHOLE COMPARED TO US
In 2010, I got into a taxi in Bangkok to take me to a new six-story
cineplex. It was accessible by metro, but I chose a taxi instead. On the
seat in front of me was a sign with a wifi password. Wait, what? I
asked the driver if he had wifi in his taxi. He flashed a huge smile.
The squat Thai man, with his pidgin English, explained that he had
installed it himself. He then turned on his new sound system and disco
lights. His taxi instantly became a cheesy nightclub on wheels… with
free wifi.
If there’s one constant in my travels over the past three years, it
has been that almost every place I’ve visited (especially in Asia and
South America) is much nicer and safer than I expected it to be.
Singapore is pristine. Hong Kong makes Manhattan look like a suburb. My
neighborhood in Colombia is nicer than the one I lived in in Boston (and
cheaper).
As Americans, we have this naïve assumption that people all over the
world are struggling and way behind us. They’re not. Sweden and South
Korea have more advanced high speed internet networks. Japan has the
most advanced trains and transportation systems. Norwegians make more
money. The biggest and most advanced plane in the world is flown out of
Singapore. The tallest buildings in the world are now in Dubai and
Shanghai. Meanwhile, the US has the highest incarceration rate in the
world.
What’s so surprising about the world is how unsurprising most of it
is. I spent a week with some local guys in Cambodia. You know what their
biggest concerns were? Paying for school, getting to work on time, and
what their friends were saying about them. In Brazil, people have debt
problems, hate getting stuck in traffic and complain about their
overbearing mothers. Every country thinks they have the worst drivers.
Every country thinks their weather is unpredictable. The world becomes,
err… predictable.
7. WE’RE PARANOID
Not only are we emotionally insecure as a culture, but I’ve come to
realize how paranoid we are about our physical security. You don’t have
to watch Fox News or CNN for more than 10 minutes to hear about how our
drinking water is going to kill us, our neighbor is going to rape our
children, some terrorist in Yemen is going to kill us because we didn’t
torture him, Mexicans are going to kill us, or some virus from a bird is
going to kill us. There’s a reason we have more guns than people.
In the US, security trumps everything, even liberty. We’re paranoid.
I’ve probably been to 10 countries now that friends and family back
home told me explicitly not to go because someone was going to kill me,
kidnap me, stab me, rob me, rape me, sell me into sex trade, give me
HIV, or whatever else. None of that has happened. I’ve never been robbed
and I’ve walked through some of the shittiest parts of Asia, Latin
America and Eastern Europe.
In fact, the experience has been the opposite. In countries like
Russia, Colombia or Guatemala, people were so friendly it actually
scared me. Some stranger in a bar would invite me to his house for a
bar-b-que with his family, a random person on the street would offer to
show me around and give me directions to a store I was trying to find.
My American instincts were always that, “Wait, this guy is going to try
to rob me or kill me,” but they never did. They were just insanely
friendly.
8. WE’RE STATUS-OBSESSED AND SEEK ATTENTION
I’ve noticed that the way we Americans communicate is usually
designed to create a lot of attention and hype. Again, I think this is a
product of our consumer culture: the belief that something isn’t
worthwhile or important unless it’s perceived to be the best (BEST
EVER!!!) or unless it gets a lot of attention (see: every
reality-television show ever made).
This is why Americans have a peculiar habit of thinking everything is
“totally awesome,” and even the most mundane activities were “the best
thing ever!” It’s the unconscious drive we share for importance and
significance, this unmentioned belief, socially beaten into us since
birth that if we’re not the best at something, then we don’t matter.
We’re status-obsessed. Our culture is built around achievement,
production and being exceptional. Therefore comparing ourselves and
attempting to out-do one another has infiltrated our social
relationships as well. Who can slam the most beers first? Who can get
reservations at the best restaurant? Who knows the promoter to the club?
Who dated a girl on the cheerleading squad? Socializing becomes
objectified and turned into a competition. And if you’re not winning,
the implication is that you are not important and no one will like you.
9. WE ARE VERY UNHEALTHY
Unless you have cancer or something equally dire, the health care system in the US sucks. The World Health Organization
ranked the US 37th in the world for health care, despite the fact that we spend the most per capita by a large margin.
The hospitals are nicer in Asia (with European-educated doctors and
nurses) and cost a tenth as much. Something as routine as a vaccination
costs multiple hundreds of dollars in the US and less than $10 in
Colombia. And before you make fun of Colombian hospitals, Colombia is
28th in the world on that WHO list, nine spots higher than us.
A routine
STD test that
can run you over $200 in the US is free in many countries to anyone,
citizen or not. My health insurance the past year? $65 a month. Why?
Because I live outside of the US. An American guy I met living in Buenos
Aires got knee surgery on his ACL that would have cost $10,000 in the
US… for free.
But this isn’t really getting into the real problems of our health.
Our food is killing us. I’m not going to go crazy with the details, but
we eat chemically-laced crap because it’s cheaper and tastes better
(profit, profit). Our portion sizes are absurd (more profit). And we’re
by far the most prescribed nation in the world AND our drugs cost five
to ten times more than they do even in Canada (ohhhhhhh, profit, you
sexy bitch).
In terms of
life expectancy,
despite being the richest country in the world, we come in a paltry
38th. Right behind Cuba, Malta and the United Arab Emirates, and
slightly ahead of Slovenia, Kuwait and Uruguay. Enjoy your Big Mac.
10. WE MISTAKE COMFORT FOR HAPPINESS
The United States is a country built on the exaltation of economic
growth and personal ingenuity. Small businesses and constant growth are
celebrated and supported above all else — above affordable health care,
above respectable education, above everything. Americans believe it’s
your responsibility to take care of yourself and make something of
yourself, not the state’s, not your community’s, not even your friend’s
or family’s in some instances.
Comfort sells easier than happiness. Comfort is easy. It requires no effort and no work. Happiness takes effort. It requires
being proactive, confronting fears, facing difficult situations, and having unpleasant conversations.
Comfort equals sales. We’ve been sold comfort for generations and for
generations we bought: bigger houses, separated further and further out
into the suburbs; bigger TV’s, more movies, and take-out. The American
public is becoming docile and complacent. We’re obese and entitled. When
we travel, we look for giant hotels that will insulate us and pamper us
rather than for legitimate cultural experiences that may challenge our
perspectives or help us grow as individuals.
Depression and anxiety disorders are soaring within the US. Our
inability to confront anything unpleasant around us has not only created
a national sense of entitlement, but it’s disconnected us from what
actually drives happiness: relationships, unique experiences, feeling
self-validated, achieving personal goals. It’s easier to watch a NASCAR
race on television and tweet about it than to actually get out and try
something new with a friend.
Unfortunately, a by-product of our massive commercial success is that
we’re able to avoid the necessary emotional struggles of life in lieu
of easy superficial pleasures.
