1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very
often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you are probably too
sick to travel.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel
so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, DIE ANYWAY.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a beer in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of
the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on .
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize
a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the
real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your bum look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that
word would be 'meetings.'
27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental
illness.'
28. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32.. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.
34 . There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age
eleven.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, reg ardless of
age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
36. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not
a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never
fails.)
37. Your friends love you anyway.
38. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able
to tell the difference..
laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very
often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you are probably too
sick to travel.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel
so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, DIE ANYWAY.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a beer in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of
the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three
weeks
before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on .
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize
a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the
real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your bum look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that
word would be 'meetings.'
27. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental
illness.'
28. People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32.. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.
34 . There comes a time when you should stop expecting other
people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age
eleven.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, reg ardless of
age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
36. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not
a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never
fails.)
37. Your friends love you anyway.
38. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able
to tell the difference..
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