1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
3) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys & apes ?
4) The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5) I went into a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section ?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
6) What if there were no hypothetical questions ?
7) If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap ?
8) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation ?
9) Is there another word for synonym ?
10) Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all ?"
11) What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant ?
12) If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages ?
13) Is a fly without wings called a walk ?
14) Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms ? Are they afraid someone will clean them ?
15) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked ?
16) Can a vegetarian eat animal crackers ?
17) If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent ?
18) Why do they put braille on the drive through bank machines ?
19) How do they get the deer to cross the road only at those yellow signs ?
20) What was the best thing before sliced bread ?
21) One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
22) Does The Little Mermaid wear an algebra ?
23) Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?
24) How is it possible to have a civil war ?
25) If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too ?
26) If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry ?
27) If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done ?
28) Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it ?
29) Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids" ?
30) Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them ?
31) Why is there an expiration date on sour cream ?
32) If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented ?
33) Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god ?
And Finally .....
34) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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