A couple of funnies

One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole - killing them both instantly.
The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he'll get back with them on that request.
A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can - in fact - get married in Heaven. To his surprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if things don't work out will we be able to get a divorce?"
With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here... you really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?"

*****

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the flashlight on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” the burglar hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, and then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.” The burglar relaxed, “Warn me, huh?” Who in the world are you?
“Moses,” replied the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
“The kind of people that would name a Pit Bull Jesus!!!”