Dracula's Grave Has Been Found and Researchers Plan to Open It

by Scott Hallam

You read that headline right. Researchers believe they have found the grave of Vlad Tepes III, better known as Vlad the Impaler, aka the guy who was probably a real vampire if there ever was one. And, of course, they plan on popping that baby open.
No one would even write this as a horror movie because it's too predictable. Let's see, you discover the grave of a man considered by many to be a true vampire, and what do you decide to do?
Bury it in cement? Light it on fire? Encase it in carbonite?
Oh no, they want to open it up, which will undoubtedly release some kind of vampiric apocalypse on the Earth.
According to Roadtrippers.com, Vlad the Impaler ruled in the 15th Century with a penchant for torture. And he was really good at it. And although he wasn't against some genital mutilation, scalping, skinning, burning or boiling, his real love was impaling, thus the nickname. But in 1476 Vlad went into battle and never returned. Speculation had him killed in battle, but there were reports that he was taken away in restraints. But no one knew what happened to him… until now.
Back to our researchers, who believe that Vlad (in true "Game of Thrones" fashion) was ransomed to his daughter and lived out the remainder of his life in Naples, Italy, and was buried in a church there upon his death. Fast forward to the present day, where Erika Stella, a student writing a dissertation on Piazza Santa Maria la Nova Church in Naples, found a headstone she believes belongs to Vlad. Stella's beliefs are backed up by Medieval history scholar Raffaello Glinni, who feels the House of the Transylvanian Carpathians symbols on the tomb are out of place in Italy in a crypt filled with Italian noblemen.
"When you look at the bas-relief sculptures, the symbolism is obvious," Glinni said. "The dragon means Dracula, and the two opposing sphinxes represent the city of Thebes, also known as Tepes. In these symbols, the very name of the count Dracula Tepes is written."
Now the group is petitioning the Italian government for permission to open the tomb and confirm their theory. The Italian government is rumored to have responded by sending the group a photo of Gary Oldman from Bram Stoker's Dracula and a doctor's order to have their heads examined. Okay, maybe that part isn't true… but it should be!

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Of course you realize this is satire, right?!