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The place where the world comes together in honesty and mirth.
Windmills Tilted, Scared Cows Butchered, Lies Skewered on the Lance of Reality ... or something to that effect.


Saturday, March 29, 2014

25 Things You Should Know About Life With A Toddler

From the time they take their first steps to the time you send them off on the preschool bus, your life with a toddler is a trip through the looking glass. And just like Alice, you will be confused and confounded by something new every day. If you’ve never been totally in charge of a 2-year-old demon spawn from the pits of hell, you might find this amusing, if a bit incredible. If you’ve actually raised a child through the toddler phase, you will laugh uncontrollably at how spot-on this list really is.
2. THEIR RULES ARE LABYRINTHINE AND INEXPLICABLE

Watching a toddler is like watching an alien creature build some kind of extraterrestrial machine. It’s like watching ritually-peculiar Druid magic, or the interpretive dance of a sentient spam-bot. Our boy-human will put on an Indiana Jones hat and start calling himself “Nemo.” He’ll hand you things and then demand you hold them and if you try to give them back you’ve broken some ancient changeling contract. He’ll require a very particular truck and if you hand him one that is 95% the same truck, he’ll actually hate you — like, maybe literally hate you — for at least two minutes. (Then he’ll forget.) He’ll place things around the room or perform a sequence of events that, for all you know, is meant to unlock some kind of apocalypse. It’s methodical and maddening, like a bird building a nest out of watch parts. Other times? He’s not like that at all.

3. THE WOLVERINE TORNADO

Take a bunch of wolverines. Throw them into a roaring F5 tornado. That’s a toddler. It’ll tear through your home, shrieking and whirling about, scooping things up and depositing them elsewhere. It’ll lose things. It’ll destroy other things. It’ll change direction in the hair’s breadth of a moment — “I’m doing this no now I’m doing this other thing wait what’s that over there.”
Chuck Wendig’s observations as a father include a part about toddlers being “proto-teenagers.” As the parent of several teenagers, I look forward to his analogies when his child reaches that stage of life. And I will laugh then, too. 


Frank Zappa Played The Pope On Ren & Stimpy

Once upon a time, way back in 1992, a little cartoon show about a dog and a cat called Ren & Stimpy was making waves with episodes about rubber nipples, a toast headed superhero, and all sorts of gross out gags parents felt were too extreme for kids.
But Ren & Stimpy wasn’t really a kiddie show, John Kricfalusi’s seminal animated freakout simply fell victim to the cartoon stigma built by Disney decades earlier, which established the idea that all TV cartoon shows should be made for kids.
Proof that Ren & Stimpy was not made for kids lies in the episode where Frank Zappa voiced the Pope, who is rescued by Powdered Toast Man and has to cling on to Toast Man's speedo clad buns as they fly through the air.
Boy, they sure don’t make cartoon shows like that anymore!

Here’s a 125-Pound Hot Dog

There’s a really big weiner at the Miami-Dade County Fair. In other news, Miami-Dade County has a fair in March. This hot dog may soon be in the Guinness Book as the largest hot dog ever.
Weighing in at 125.5 pounds — the naked dog tipped the scale at 51 pounds; the rest of the heft came from a gargantuan bun and gallons of condiments — the dog was cooked for three hours on a 100-foot mobile grill that travels from fair to fair on the bed of a 27-ton tractor-trailer.

Brett Enright, founder and CEO of Juicy’s Outlaw Grill, already holds the Guinness record for largest commercially available hamburger. His 777-pound behemoth burger costs $5,000 and can be ordered with two days’ notice.
The hot dog can be bought, too -he’ll make one for your party for just $1,000. The fair hot dog was weighed, photographed, and sliced up and sold for a dollar a sample, with proceeds going to charity.

Official haircuts of North Korea

There are 28 official state-approved haircuts in North Korea, and there is renewed emphasis on the official coiffure parameters under its new leader, Kim Jong Un. Ironically, Kim's own haircut is not on the official list. 

Beware The Staten Island Clown

Coulrophobes had better steer clear of Staten Island for a while, until the local authorities take care of a certain creepy clown they’ve got lurking around the city streets.
He has become a bit of a local legend in the few short weeks he’s been clowning around the streets of S.I., because people claim he’s an elusive clown, appearing with a wave then disappearing back into the city before most of them can snap a pic.
Is this the same clown faced freak that has been haunting Northampton, England, or is this one of the British clown’s disciples? Whatever IT is, if you see the Staten Island clown prepare to laugh your head off!

Street football axe wielder jailed

A man who wielded an axe in his street after becoming annoyed by people playing football has been jailed for 15 months. Thomas Conway, 31, lost his temper about the game of football being played outside his home in High Street, Gainsborough, Lincolnshire.

Lincoln Crown Court heard Conway at first went outside without a weapon and had to be dragged inside by his girlfriend. Conway explained he felt like "a prisoner in his home" and went outside a second time at around 10pm with a curved axe behind his back, the court was told.
Phil Howes, prosecuting, said Conway eventually produced the axe and made a "slashing movement." One witness heard Conway say "I'm going to slash you up," Mr Howes added. Police attended at 10.15pm after a 999 call was made. Conway admitted to having consumed one and half litres of cider.

The court heard Conway had 12 previous convictions for 25 offences including a previous sentence in 2011 when he produced a machete in the street. Conway, formerly of Gainsborough, now of Rotherham, admitted charges of affray and possessing a bladed article following the inciden. Judge Michael Heath made a destruction order for the axe and told Conway: "You waved it about. The people who were there were frightened, not surprisingly."

Man riding motorized cooler charged with drink driving after being caught six times over the limit

A man allegedly caught riding a motorized cooler found himself in hot water after blowing more than six times the alcohol limit.

The 38-year-old man from Scarness, Queensland, Australia was spotted by police riding the cooler down a bike path on Friday afternoon at 4.45pm. He was breath-tested and returned an alleged reading of 0.305%.  Police raided the cooler, which they said was carrying 10 tallies of beer, two cask wine bags and up to six cans of Woodstock bourbon.
The man has been issued with a notice to face the Hervey Bay Magistrates Court for offences including driving while under the influence of liquor, driving while unlicensed and driving an unregistered and uninsured motor vehicle. Officer In Charge Sergeant Darryn Morris said while the case was unusual, it was no less serious.

"Due to the fact it is a petrol engine (the cooler) falls under the ambit of a motor vehicle under the Traffic Act," Sgt Morris said. "Some people aren't aware that if they're riding a wheeled object, the footpath is also deemed a road under Queensland legislation. It is a serious issue due to one, the amount of alcohol he had on him at the time and two, in relation to those using these motorized devices that can cause serious injury to themselves or other people."

Man tried to break into police station to get his skateboard back

A 20-year-old Oregon man was arrested after attempting to break into the Troutdale Police Department to steal his skateboard that was kept after he was earlier arrested for shoplifting.
 
On Saturday morning, police said, Nathaniel Mirelez was picked up for shoplifting. That afternoon, police said they noticed the door handle at their main entrance was gone.

They checked their video surveillance and saw a man try to break in at around 2:15pm. Eventually the suspect tore a door handle off and then is seen leaving while still holding the door handle.
Police then identified the Wood Village resident and arrested him on Monday morning. When he was arrested, police said he told them he wanted to get his skateboard back. He now faces multiple charges including second-degree attempted burglary.

Ziggy

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How to negotiate with believers

Malcolm Gladwell's retelling of the Branch Davidians and the Waco Siege lets a survivor, Clive Doyle, do most of talking.
They did not worship Koresh, the way you would a deity. He was just the latest of many teachers, in a religious delusion that dated back half a century. “I’m just a messenger of the truth,” Koresh would say. “I’m like a Dixie cup that dog will crumple up and throw away when he’s done with it.” Or, as his deputy, Steve Schneider, put it, “All of these places talk about a man in the last days that’s a sinner. He can do one thing, open up the words of the book, open up the seven seals. Can’t do any miracles, doesn’t raise the dead, heal the sick, isn’t a psychic but . . . if people have questions about life and death, eternal life, no matter what the question is, he will show it in context from the book.”
The argument that follows--that the FBI gave itself no meaningful way to communicate with true believers--is fascinating: "For those who don’t take the Bible seriously, talking about scripture when there is a battle going on seems like an evasion. For those who do, however, it makes perfect sense."

Eau de Zombie

Cologne for the apocalypse

Putrescine, cadaverine, and methanethiol are three chemicals produced by decaying human flesh and are responsible for a dead body's distinctive odor. If zombies find living human prey by scent, those chemicals could make a living-dead-repellant perfume

In a world of text, humans experiment with different ways of conveying emotion

Texting has changed the English language!

We now use more exclamation points than we did 15 years ago!
But that's okay, because language is always changing!

A biodegradable battery

This four-cell battery dissolves in water after three weeks. Made from non-toxic concentrations of metals and saline electrolyte, researchers hope to use it to power medical devices inside the human body. Another interesting application: Powering devices used to monitor oceans after an oil spill.

Why failed science matters

The Michelson-Morley Experiment — a 19th-century attempt to prove that electromagnetic waves traveled through a "luminiferous aether", the same way that waves travel through water — failed. But that failure is one of the most important moments in early modern physics. In fact, it earned Albert Michelson a Nobel Prize. 

For MS patients, medical marijuana succeeds where other alternative medicines fail

http://media1.s-nbcnews.com/j/newscms/2014_13/275286/140324-sativex-jsw-1201p_57e22e2da17fa9e15479c98a1c9fb6bd.nbcnews-ux-960-600.jpgA review of alternative treatments for multiple sclerosis found that most don't actually work.
One that does: An oral cannabis spray that seems to help reduce muscle spasms.

Daily Comic Relief

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Meet, The President

This incredible sequoia tree in Nevada's Sequoia National Park is 3,200 years old, has 2 billion leaves and stands over 247 feet tall. This tree is so magnificent that it even has a name. Meet the President.
via National Geographic

Until recently, this giant tree has been too large to capture in its entirety. Well, it still is too large, but with the magic of Photoshop and an innovative rigging technique, National Geographic has stitched together 126 photographs to make the stunning full-length shot.

How Big Is The Universe?

In 'How Big Is The Universe?' Royal Observatory Greenwich astronomer Liz shows us the expanding nature of the Universe and how this affects the light reaching us from distant galaxies, some of which will remain forever hidden from our view.


Astronomical News

If you happened to be falling into a black hole, the last thing on your mind will likely be how pretty the view is. 
It's been 40 years since we first saw Mercury up close, and the flyby raised more questions than it answered.
Gravitational waves have been observed for the first time, providing direct evidence for quantum gravity. How does this prove the Big Bang actually happened? Trace and explain this groundbreaking finding.

Water buffalo rounded up after escaping from film set and rampaging down busy street

Two water buffalo ran loose on a busy street in Newtown in inner west Sydney, Australia on Tuesday. The animals had escaped from a film set.
The two beasts roamed for more than two kilometers along some of city's busiest roads before being rounded up by firefighters and animal wranglers.
 
The buffalo escaped just after 10am, leaving a red-faced film crew chasing after them in a jeep.
And the escapees did not go down lightly as fire crews needed ladders and a truck to trap them in the front yard of a home.

'Surprised' spider was probably not surprised

An Australian arachnid expert says a spider filmed in the Queensland’s northern tropics appearing to be surprised by the camera could have been reacting to its own reflection.
Owen Seeman from the Queensland Museum said the male Northern Green Jumping Spider was probably not surprised, but posturing when it saw what it thought was another male spider in the lens’ reflection. In the footage filmed by an amateur photographer, the spider approaches the camera, then appears taken aback and on edge as the camera follows its moves.

The reaction has led to the arachnid being dubbed the ‘surprised spider’. But Mr Seeman said it most likely wasn’t surprised. “What happens with these spiders is that they have some of the best vision of any of the animal kingdom. Their telescopic vision is magnificent. What they see when you get a camera is a spider looking back at them in the lens and it’s another male spider.”
He said the spider could have been “agitated” by seeing a rival male and this may have led to the spider’s curious behaviour. “If you set up a mirror in front of one of these spiders, they’ll put on their aggressive displays that they show to another male.” Mr Seeman said the Northern Green Jumping Spider is quite common from northern New South Wales all the up the east coast of Queensland.

There's a news video with an explanation by Mr Seeman here.

Animal Pictures


Friday, March 28, 2014

The Daily Drift

We here at Carolina Naturally appreciate our readers and strive to maintain a balance of seriousness and silliness in our daily postings and you have responded by making us a very well read blog. We thought we'd change things up a bit (We know, we know - don't fix what ain't broke) so for the month of April we thought we'd revisit an idea that was well received when we tried it before (we had our forced hiatus due to hardware problems just as we were beginning). Each day will have a 'theme', i.e., Scientific Encyclopedia in which the main focus shall be on science news and events. We plan to begin this Sunday (and yes we know it is still March this Sunday). If this experiment proves non-successful we will come back to the way things are right now. We hope you find this makes the blog all the more enjoyable.
So, what's your perspective?!

Carolina Naturally is read in 196 countries around the world daily.   

Heddie-ho... !

Today is - There is no special celebration today

Don't forget to visit our sister blog: It Is What It Is

Some of our reader today have been in:
The Americas
Vancouver, Ottawa, Montreal, Pikangikum, Scarborough and Guelph, Canada
Saint Louis, San Ramon, Syosset, Salinas, Seattle, San Francisco, Salisbury, Syracuse, Sitka, Sparks, Statesville, Saint Cloud, South Freeport and San Diego, United States
Mexico City, Colonia Nativitas and Mexicali, Mexico
Caracas, Venezuela
Sao Paulo, Rio De Janeiro and Curitiba, Brazil
Buenos Aires, Argentina
Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic
Tipitapa, Nicaragua
Santiago, Chile
Bogota, Colombia
Europe
Teo, Eixample, Palma, Rioja and Madrid, Spain
Rotterdam, Den Haag, Amsterdam, Amersfoort and Zwolle, Netherlands
Riga, Latvia
Rouen, Paris and Boulonge-Billancourt, France
Copenhagen and Kongens Lyngby, Denmark
Sheffield, England
Oslo, Norway
Ravenna, Ponte Di Piave, Vicenza, Rome, Florence, Milan, Padova and Naples, Italy
Ryazan, Vladivostok, Moscow, Kazan and Novgorod, Russia
Ostrava, Prague and Vinicne Sumice, Czech Republic
Funchal, Costa De Caparica and Lisbon, Portugal
Dublin, Ireland
Ankara, Turkey
Gorazde, Bosnia and Herzegovina
Chisinau, Moldova
London, England
Klingnau, Switzerland
Reykjavik, Iceland
Brasov, Romania
Ruse, Bulgaria
Douglas, Isle of Man
Berlin, Germany
Asia
Patna, Pune, New Delhi, Visnagar, Shillong, Kolkata, Chennai, Mumbai, Coimbatore, Thiruvananthpuram, Bhopal and Delhi, India
Baghdad, Iraq
Rawalpindi and Karachi, Pakistan
Medan and Jakarta, Indonesia
Singapore, Singapore
Khlong Toei, Thailand
Mandalay, Burma
Kota Kinabalu and Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
Manama, Bahrain
La Dagotiere, Mauritius
Chai Wan, Hong Kong
Colombo, Sri Lanka
Africa
Lagos, Ifo, Nigeria
Johannesburg, South Africa
Cairo, Egypt
Abidjan, Cote D'Ivoire
The Pacific
Perth, Homebush and Melbourne, Australia

Today in History

1774 Britain passes the Coercive Act against rebellious Massachusetts.
1854 Britain and France declare war on Russia.
1864 A group of Copperheads attack Federal soldiers in Charleston, Illinois. Five are killed and twenty wounded.
1885 The Salvation Army is officially organized in the United States.
1908 Automobile owners lobby Congress in support of a bill that calls for vehicle licensing and federal registration.
1910 The first seaplane takes off from water at Martinques, France.
1917 The Women's Army Auxiliary Corps (WAAC) is founded, Great Britain's first official service women.
1921 President Warren Harding names William Howard Taft as chief justice of the United States.
1930 Constantinople and Angora change their names to Istanbul and Ankara respectively.
1933 Nazis order a ban on all Jews in businesses, professions and schools.
1939 The Spanish Civil War ends as Madrid falls to Francisco Franco.
1941 The Italian fleet is routed by the British at the Battle of Battle of Cape Matapan
1941 English novelist Virginia Woolf throws herself into the River Ouse near her home in Sussex. Her body is never found.
1942 A British ship, the HMS Capbeltown, a Lend-Lease American destroyer, which was specifically rammed into a German occupied dry-dock in France, explodes, knocking the area out of action for the German battleship Tirpitz.
1945 Germany launches the last of its V-2 rockets against England.
1946 Juan Peron is elected President of Argentina. He will hold the office for six years.
1962 The U.S. Air Force announces research into the use of lasers to intercept missiles and satellites.
1969 Dwight D. Eisenhower dies at Walter Reed General Hospital in Washington, D.C.
1979 A major accident occurs at Pennsylvania's Three Mile Island nuclear power plant
1986 The U.S. Senate passes $100 million aid package for the Nicaraguan contras.
1990 Jesse Owens receives the Congressional Gold Medal from President George Bush.
1999 An American Stealth F117 Nighthawk is shot down over northern Yugoslavia during NATO air strikes.

Non Sequitur

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The Only Surviving Film Footage Of Anne Frank Ever Found


July 22 1941. The girl next door is getting married. Anne Frank is leaning out of the window of her house in Amsterdam to get a good look at the bride and groom. It is the only time Anne Frank has ever been captured on film. At the time of her wedding, the bride lived on the second floor at Merwedeplein 39. The Frank family lived at number 37, also on the second floor. The Anne Frank House can offer you this film footage thanks to the cooperation of the couple.

Did you know ...

The debunking of wingnut persecution fantasies

That 51 medical organizations sign this letter stating there is an epidemic of gun violence

That behind the 'religious freedom' attacks on gay rights lurks a broader attack on civil rights

And behold, the 16th century rocket cat!

Judge in racial profiling case scolds sheriff aide

FILE - In this Dec. 18, 2013 file photo, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio announces dozens of arrests in a prostitution sting during a news conference at Maricopa County Sheriff's Office Headquarters, in Phoenix. Arpaio and his top aide Chief Deputy Jerry Sheridan are required to appear before a federal judge who believes the two have mischaracterized and trivialized the judge's key findings in a racial-profiling decision issued in 2013 against the police agency. The sheriff's office will be required to provide answers Monday, March 24, 2014 to U.S. District Judge Murray Snow about an Oct. 18 training session in which the judge said Sheridan appears to suggest that rank-and-file deputies weren't obliged to make their best efforts to remedy the agency's constitutional violations. (AP Photo/Ross D. Franklin, File)  A federal judge presiding over a racial profiling case against an Arizona sheriff's office chided the sheriff and his top aide on Monday for mischaracterizing his findings, telling them he's unimpressed by what he called their apparent "double dealing."
U.S. District Judge Murray Snow said he was disappointed with the inaccurate statements that Chief Deputy Jerry Sheridan, the top aide for Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, made about the case during an October training session with rank-and-file deputies.
This is the latest in a yearslong string of criticisms against the agency led by the self-proclaimed "America's Toughest Sheriff," who's made waves nationally by cracking down on illegal immigration and forcing inmates to wear pink underwear.
Sheridan, standing at a podium dressed in his beige uniform, told the judge he got the facts wrong and acted with emotion. He says he made the remarks out of frustration with declining morale among his deputies after Snow concluded last year that the agency has racially profiled Latinos.
Sheridan's voice rose in volume when he explained his frustrations, saying they grew out of the media's misrepresentation of the judge's rulings and Arpaio critics calling the agency racist.
"I heard every word you said loud and clear," Sheridan told the judge.
Sheridan and Arpaio were called into court Monday to answer questions about the Oct. 18 training session. In a video of the session, Sheridan appears to suggest to sheriff's deputies that they weren't obliged to make their best efforts to remedy the agency's constitutional violations, the judge wrote in a ruling a week ago.
The video shows that Arpaio addressed the deputies after his chief aide, saying Sheridan's thoughts echoed his own. "What the chief deputy said is what I've been saying," Arpaio said.
The judge also took issue with a remark that Sheridan made during the training session in which he complained that his agency was being put under the same kind of court supervision as the long-troubled New Orleans Police Department and added, "That tells you how ludicrous this crap is."
"I am not really impressed with what appears to be double dealing," Snow told the aide.
Ten months ago, Snow concluded Arpaio's office systematically racially profiled Latinos in its immigration and regular traffic patrols and unreasonably prolonged the detentions of people during traffic stops. Arpaio has vigorously denied the racial profiling allegations and appealed the ruling.
The judge required Arpaio's office to install video cameras in hundreds of the agency's patrol vehicles, set up a seven-person team of sheriff's employees to help implement the judge's orders and carry out additional training to ensure officers aren't making unconstitutional arrests.
The sheriff sat silently behind his attorneys throughout the hearing while Sheridan and an attorney spoke for the agency. Arpaio made a brief statement outside court without answering reporters' questions.
"This is a court issue," he said. "Certain items were discussed in the court, and we'll see what happens."
At the hearing, Sheridan and the sheriff's lead lawyer acknowledged that Sheridan sent the wrong message to deputies, but they said they wanted to comply with the judge's orders in good faith.
"I also intend to have my orders respected," Snow said.
The judge said Sheridan and Arpaio are protected by their right to free speech, but that it's another matter to provide bad information when instructing deputies.
In response to complaints that the agency is providing inaccurate information on the case, Snow said lawyers on both sides will summarize the judge's rulings and put those statements in a letter that Arpaio and Sheridan will sign and give to all sheriff's employees.
Several hours after Monday's hearing, the sheriff's office released the video in question.
In parts of the recording that have not yet been made public, Sheridan tells deputies they must follow the judge's requirement that they document the race, ethnicity and sex of people during traffic tops based on the deputies' perceptions.
"I'm sorry you have to do this," Sheridan says. "I wish we didn't have to waste our time doing this, but it's a necessary evil to fix this."
Later in the video, Arpaio tells the officers that he'll appeal Snow's racial profiling decision to the U.S. Supreme Court.
"There's only one sheriff elected — one — and you are looking at him," Arpaio says. "I am going to fight anyone that tries to take away the authority of the elected sheriff."

33 Surreal Places To Visit Before You Die

These actually exist on Earth ...
No, the above image is not a surrealist painting. It is a photograph of “dead valley,” where trees stand against a background of the highest sand dunes in the world. Once a thriving forest, the approaching desert has killed all life.

The Doorway Railway Of Hanoi

This railway line passes through the residential neighborhood and commercial area of Hanoi, Vietnam. Twice a day, the trains pass through the downtown, merely inches away from the doorsteps of buildings.

The people in Hanoi know the schedule of the trains well. At just about 4 pm and 7 pm every day, you suddenly notice people start to get into their homes and in the front yard where kids were playing and women were cutting vegetables is suddenly replaced by rushing steel and noise.

30 Photos That Will Make You Look Twice

Sometimes, when you look at a photo, you have to look twice.
Here are thirty double-take moments for you to enjoy.

Der Fartenführer

The Story of Hitler’s Illnesses


The following is an article from Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader.
What was it that caused Adolf Hitler’s physical and mental health to collapse in the closing days of World War II? He was losing the war, of course- surely that had a great deal to do with it. But for more than 60 years, historians have wondered if there was more to it than that.

THE LEADER

On April 21, 1945, an SS physician named Ernst-Günther Schenck was summoned to Adolph Hitler’s bunker in Berlin and ordered to stock it with food. By that time, Germany’s war was hopelessly lost -most of the country was already in Allied hands. Soviet troops had almost completely circled Berlin and were battling their way into the center of the city. Rather than flee, Hitler decided to make his final stand in his führerbunker in the heart of the Nazi capital. He would remain there until the end, which for him was just nine days away.

Like all Germans, Dr. Schenck had been fed a steady diet of photographs, films, and propaganda posters of Hitler since the dictator had come to power in 1933. But the man he saw in the bunker looked nothing like those images. The 56-year-old Hitler “was a living corpse, a dead soul,” Schenck remembered in a 1985 interview. “His spine was hunched, his shoulder blades protruded from his bent back, and he collapsed his shoulders like a turtle… I was looking into the eyes of death.”

OLD MAN

Even more shocking than the way Hitler looked was the way he moved about the bunker. He walked with the slow, halting shuffle of a man thirty years older, dragging his left leg behind him as he went. He couldn’t go more than a few steps without grabbing onto something for support.

Hitler’s head, arms, and entire left side trembled and jerked uncontrollably. No longer able to write his own name, he signed important documents with a rubber stamp. He had always insisted on shaving himself -the murderer of millions could not stand the thought of another man holding a razor to his throat- but his trembling hands made that impossible, too. He could not lift food to his mouth without spilling it down the front of his uniform and could not take a seat without help -after he shuffled up to a table, an aide pushed a chair behind him, and he plopped down into it.

Hitler’s mental state had deteriorated as well. His thinking was muddled, his memory was failing, and his emotions whipsawed back and forth between long bouts of irrational euphoria (especially irrational considering how close Germany was to defeat) and fits of screaming, uncontrollable rage that lasted for hours.

DIAGNOSES

Schenck remained in Berlin until the end. On April 29, Hitler married his longtime mistress, Eva Braun, and the following day the pair committed suicide in the führerbunker. Germany surrendered unconditionally on May 7.
Der Führerbunker. 
After the war, Schenck spent a decade in Soviet prison camps. He never forgot what he saw in the führerbunker, and after his release he spent years poring over Hitler’s medical records in an attempt to discover just what had caused the dictator’s health to decline so rapidly in the final years and months of his life.
He was not alone in this effort- in the more than 60 years since the end of the war, many historians, physicians, and World War II buffs have done the same thing. What caused Hitler’s collapse -was it Parkinson’s disease? Tertiary syphilis? Giant cell arteritis? Countless theories have been advanced to explain Hitler’s physical and mental decline, and after all this time the experts are no closer to agreeing than they were on the day he died.

THE CURE THAT ILLS

One of the more bizarre theories was advanced by some of Hitler’s own doctors in July 1944. The diagnosis came about by chance, after a visiting ear, nose, and throat specialist named Dr. Erwin Geising happened to notice six tiny black pills -“Doctor Koester’s Anti-Gas Pills”- sitting on the Führer’s breakfast tray next to his porridge, dry bread, and orange juice. After spotting the pills, Geising did something that Hitler’s own personal physician, an eccentric quack named Dr. Theodore Morell, had apparently never bothered to do: He examined the tin the pills came in and actually read the label to see what was in them. Geising was stunned by what he read. Could it be? Was the Führer bring poisoned by the pills he took to control his meteorism -powerful attacks of uncontrollable farting?

GUT FEELING

Hitler had suffered from digestive problems his entire life. Since childhood he’d been prone to crippling, painful stomach cramps during times of emotional distress. By the time he’d reached his early 40s, the cramping had become more frequent, often accompanied by violent bouts of farting, along with alternate bouts of diarrhea and constipation.

The farting attacks are one of the reasons Hitler became a vegetarian in the early 1930s: He didn’t trust doctors, so rather than seek professional help for his condition he tried to treat it himself by eliminating meat, rich foods, milk, and butter from his diet in favor of raw and cooked vegetables and whole grains.

STILL FARTIN’

Increasing the fiber in his diet did not improve Hitler’s condition; if anything it made him even gassier than he’d been before. (But the vegetarian diet may have made his farts less smelly, and he may have been willing to settle for that.) By the mid-1930s, Hitler was the ruler of Germany… and still farting like a horse. His attacks were most severe right after meals; during dinner parties it was common for him to  suddenly leap up from the table and disappear into his private quarters, leaving stunned guests to wonder why the Führer had gone and when he might be back. On many nights he did not return at all.

In 1936 Hitler happened to meet Dr. Morell at a Christmas party. After pulling the doctor aside, Hitler poured out his problems, describing his intestinal distress and his eczema: itchy, inflamed skin on his shins, so painful that he could not put on his boots. By now Hitler had given up on trying to cure himself and allowed Germany’s best doctors to examine him. They put him on a diet of tea and dry toast, but all that did was leave him feeling weak and exhausted. Morell listened attentively …and then promised to cure both problems within a year. Hitler decided to give him a try.

STRANGE BEDFELLOWS

By the mid-1930s, the Nazis had already begun destroying what before their rise had been one of the most advanced medical communities in the world. At the same time that they undermined the scientific underpinnings of the German medical establishment with their loony racial theories and crackpot pseudoscience, the Nazis were driving German Jews out of the profession, along with any “Aryan” Germans who opposed Nazism. And yet for all the damage the Nazis did to German medicine, there were still plenty of skilled, capable doctors from whom Hitler could choose his personal physician. So it’s all the more remarkable that he chose someone as peculiar and incompetent as Dr. Theodore Morell.

DOC MEDIOC-RITY
Morell’s resume left a lot to be desired. A onetime ship’s doctor who served as an army physician during World War I, he opened a general practice on the fashionable Kurfürstendamm street in Berlin after the war and counted a lot of society figures -politicians, actors, artists, nightclub singers- among his patients. With the exception of occasional cases of bad skin, impotence, or venereal disease, Morell shied away from treating people who were genuinely ill, referring these cases to other doctors while he built up a clientele of fashionable, big-spending patients whose largely psychosomatic illnesses responded well to his close attention, flattery, and ineffective quack treatments.

Morell’s skill at coddling his patients was masterful, but his abilities as a physician were clearly deficient, to the point of putting their health at risk. “In practice he was occasionally careless,” biographer John Toland writes in Adolph Hitler. “He was known to have wrapped a patient’s arm with a bandage he just used to wipe a table, and to inject the same needle without sterilization into two patients.”

“MADE” IN BULGARIA

In addition to overseeing his practice, Morell served on the board of Hageda, a pharmaceutical company that manufactured a strange mediation called Mutaflor, whose active ingredient was live bacteria cultured from the fecal matter of “a Bulgarian peasant of the most vigorous stock.”
Mutaflor was intended to treat digestive disorders- the theory being that digestive problems were caused when healthy bacteria, which lived in the intestinal tract and were essential to good digestion, were killed off or crowded out by unhealthy bacteria. Ingesting the cultured dung of a vigorous, clean-living Bulgarian peasant, the theory went, would reintroduce beneficial bacteria into an unhealthy digestive tract and restore proper function.
That was the theory, and while it sounded pretty good, in truth it was literally a load of crap, and good German doctors knew it. Not so Dr. Morell -and because he had a financial interest in the company that made Metaflor, he prescribed the pills to virtually all his patients, whether they suffered from digestive complaints of not. Hitler did suffer from digestive complaints, of course, and Morell soon had the Führer taking regular doses of Mutaflor …plus two tablets of Dr. Koester’s Anti-Gas Pills at every meal.

PRIMARY PHYSICIAN

Hitler’s intestinal ailments were intermittent and, as had been the case during his childhood, still had a considerable psychological component: He suffered from attacks of cramps and farting during times of stress, then when things calmed down his symptoms abated. After he placed himself under Morell’s care, it was just a matter of time before his condition improved, and when relief finally came a few months later -at about the same time his eczema began to clear up- Hitler naturally attributed his deliverance to Morell.

The “cure” was only temporary, but no matter -the Führer had finally found a doctor he could believe in. “Nobody has ever before told me so clearly and precisely what was wrong with me,” Hitler told his chief architect, Albert Speer. “His method of cure is so logical that I have the greatest confidence in him. I shall follow his prescription to the letter.” Morell would remain by Hitler’s side until almost the very end.

HEAVEN SCENT

Hitler took to Morell immediately, but the Führer’s inner circle despised the doctor from the start, and not just because he was an obvious quack- he was also an extremely unpleasant person to be around. The morbidly obese Morell did not bathe regularly: His skin and hair were greasy, his fingernails often filthy, and when his powerful body odor and bad breath weren’t enough to clear the room, his propensity for belching and farting in polite company usually did the trick. “He has an appetite as big as his belly and gives not only visual but audible expression of it,” Speer observed.

Even Eva Braun found Morell repulsive, but Hitler didn’t care. When she and others complained about his offensive body odor, the Führer brushed them off. “I do not employ him for his fragrance, but to look after my health,” he’d say. (Who knows? Maybe Hitler liked having another farter in the room, so that no one who “smelt it” could tell for sure who’d “dealt it.”)

TAKE THIS…AND THIS…AND THIS

In those early days, Morell’s influence on Hitler was fairly benign; the stinky doctor limited himself to giving diet tips and, of course, prescribing Mutaflor and Dr. Koester’s Anti-Gas Pills. But over time he became more controlling over what Hitler was allowed to eat, and the number and strength of medications he prescribed increased dramatically. In the years to come he would prescribe enzymes, liver extracts, stimulants, hormones, painkillers, sedatives, tranquilizers, muscle relaxants, morphine derivatives (to induce constipation), laxatives (to relieve it), and other drugs by the dozen.

According to one estimate, by the early 1940s, Hitler was taking 92 different kinds of drugs, including 63 different pills and skin lotions. Some medicines were taken only when specific complaints arose, but others were taken every day. By the summer of 1941, Hitler was popping between 120 and 150 pills a week on average. And on top of all the pills, Morell also administered injections -as many as 10 a day, sometimes more. So many, in fact, that even Herman Goering, Hitler’s heir apparent and himself a morphine addict, was startled by their frequency and took to calling Morell the “Reich Injection Master.”

Nobody knew for sure what Morell was giving Hitler. There were other physicians in the Führer’s service- two surgeons, Dr. Karl Brandt and Dr. Hans Karl von Hasselbach, traveled with Hitler in case he ever needed emergency surgery, and other specialists, such as visiting ear, nose, and throat doctor Erwin Geising, were called on from time to time to treat specific complaints. But none knew what Morell was really up to. Any physician worth his salt would have been alarmed by all the injections Morell was administering. But when Brandt or anyone else asked him what was in the shots or why Hitler needed so many, he shrugged them off as vitamins of glucose (sugar) injections, or answered cryptically, “I give him what he needs.”

THE ONE-TWO PUNCH

Considering all the medications that Morell was administering to Hitler, why was it Dr. Koester’s Anti-Gas Pills that finally prompted the other physicians to act? It may have been the simple fact that they came in a tin. Most of the pills and shots that Hitler took were unidentified and mysterious, but Dr. Koester’s Anti-Gas Pills came in a little metal container (like Altoids heath mints or Sucrets throat lozenges) that identified them by name and even listed the active ingredients: gentian, belladonna, and an extract of something called nux vomica.

The gentian was harmless enough. But the presence of the other two ingredients in the pills, plus the revelation that Hitler, on top of all his other medications, was popping as many as 20 of the anti-gas pills a day, was startling. Even if Dr. Morell had read the label on the tin, he might not have known that nux vomica is a seed that contains a large amount of strychnine, commonly used as the active ingredient in rat poison. Belladonna, also known as deadly nightshade, contains atropine, a toxic substance that can cause excitement, confusion, hallucinations, coma, and death if taken in large quantities.

That’s what alarmed Dr. Geising when he saw the six black pills sitting on Hitler’s breakfast tray that morning in July 1944: Without even realizing it, Hitler’s own personal physician had exposed him on a daily basis to significant doses of not one, but two deadly poisons.

DER GUINEA PIG

By then it was obvious to everyone around him that Hitelr’s physical and mental state were deteriorating. His tremor had become quite pronounced, his memory was slipping, and his mood swings were intensifying. Geising wondered if the rat poison in the fart pills was the cause of some or all of these symptoms. He popped a few tablets himself… and when he began to experience some of the same symptoms, including irritability and stomach cramps, he shared his theory with Hitler’s surgeons, Dr. Brandt and Dr. von Hasselbach.

THE PLOT THICKENS

Brandt and von Hasselbach had never liked Dr. Morell and had no faith in his abilities, and like Dr. Geising they were concerned for the state of Hitler’s health. Now, they thought, they had an opportunity to get rid of Morell once and for all and give the Führer the proper medical care he clearly needed. But if they thought getting rid of Morell would be easy once his incompetence was exposed, they soon learned how mistaken they were. When Brandt told Hitler what was in the pills he was popping like candy, he not only took Morell’s side, he fired Brandt and von Hasselbach for daring to interfere with Morell, and he told the visiting Dr. Geising that his services were no longer needed.

Even though Morell was as stunned as everyone else to learn that he’d been medicating the Führer with rat poison, Hitler himself didn’t seem to mind. “I myself always thought they were just charcoal tablets for soaking up my intestinal gases, and I always felt rather pleasant after taking them,” he explained.

And though it was Morell’s responsibility to keep track of how many of the pills Hitler was taking, Hitler himself ignored Morell’s instruction to take only two at a time and had begun taking six or more before each meal. The dictator didn’t blame the pills for his stomach cramps, either, since those dated back to his childhood.

Now that Hitler understood that the fart pills were potentially dangerous, he stopped taking so many… but his health did not improve. His physical and mental decline not only continued, it accelerated.

So what was the true cause of his collapse?
Der Führerbunker after the war.

BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD

All doubts about the safety of Dr. Koester’s Anti-Gas Pills were resolved when some of them were sent to a lab for analysis. The fart pills were found to contain small enough doses of strychnine and atropine that Hitler would have had to consume 30 pills or more -all in one sitting- for them to pose a threat to his health. He never took more than 6 at a time, and never more than 20 over the course of a day. Strychnine is quickly neutralized by the human body and does not accumulate in body tissues; because of this, nonlethal doses such as those contained in Dr. Koester’s pills can be taken for years on end with little or no ill effect. (Still, don’t try it at home!)

Neither the rat poison nor the peasant poop had done Hitler much good… but they hadn’t done him much harm, either. But the intravenous injections that Morell administered to Hitler beginning in the late 1930s were a different story. Morell was very secretive about what was in the Führer’s regular daily shots; in his surviving medical records he never suggests that they contain anything other than vitamins or glucose. Some of the injections undoubtably contained these relatively innocuous ingredients, but not all of them. There’s considerable evidence to suggest that many of the shots Morell administered contained something much more powerful -and that they, not the Mutaflor or Dr. Koester’s Anti-Gas Pills, were responsible for the collapse in Hitler’s health at the end of his life.

GOOOOOOD MORNING!
Dr. Morell, Hitler, and Mrs. Morell.
Some of the most convincing pieces of evidence are the eyewitness accounts of how Hitler responded to the intravenous injections. In the late 1930s, the shots were administered infrequently, usually just before an important meeting or a major speech, when Hitler wanted a quick boost. But by late 1941, they were being administered every morning, before Hitler had even gotten out of bed, as part of his daily routine. Hitler’s valets, secretaries, and other close aides occasionally witnessed the shots being administered, and after the war they all described how the sleepy and sometimes completely exhausted Führer responded to all the injections instantly, sometimes even while the needle was still in his arm: One moment he was groggy and uncommunicative, and the very next moment he was fully alert and sitting up in bed, contentedly chatting away with whoever was in the room. Ordinary vitamins and glucose didn’t produce the instant surge of energy that Hitler experienced, even when injected directly into the veins.

THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER
By 1943 Hitler was receiving two shots a day, more if the news from the front was especially bad. As the years progressed -and the tide of the war turned against Germany- Hitler called on Morell more and more frequently to give him the injections. By late 1944, the doctor was administering so many shots that he was having trouble finding fresh areas in Hitler’s needle-pocked arms to give new injections.

As Morell confided to an assistant, Hitler’s tolerance for whatever was in the shots had increased so dramatically over time that Morell had to increase the dosage from 2 cubic centimeters per injection to 4, then 10, then eventually to 16 cc -an increase of 700 percent- for the injections to have the desired effect.

As Dr. Leonard Heston and Renate Heston point out in their book The Medical Case of Adolph Hitler, human tolerance for vitamins and glucose does not change over time. The fact that Hitler was building up a tolerance for the injections is further evidence that they contained a drug of some kind.

THE DRUG CULTURE

When you compare this evidence  to the eyewitness accounts of Hitler’s instant response to the drug, a likely candidate for which drug he was taking begins to emerge. “The effects described,” the Hestons write, “are characteristic of an injection of a stimulant drug of the amphetamine group or cocaine, and are not compatible with any other drug.” Of the two possibilities, “amphetamine …is much more probable because its injectable form was readily available, while injectable cocaine was an illegal drug… Also, the effects of amphetamine last two or three hours, while the action of cocaine is much more rapidly terminated. The effects on Hitler were relatively long-lasting.”

SIDE EFFECTS
Hitler and Eva Braun, 1945.
Amphetamines give the user a surge in energy and an improvement in mood, just as witnesses to Hitler’s injections described. But they are now illegal for a very good reason: They’re terribly addictive and they have numerous debilitating negative side effects that more than outweigh the handful of desirable affects.

When taken even in moderate amounts, amphetamines can cause insomnia -which Hitler suffered from- and loss of appetite. As dosages increase, so do the number and intensity of the side effects. Psychological side effects associated with amphetamine toxicity include euphoria, irritability, paranoia, impulsiveness, loss of emotional control, and rigid thinking that is often marked by an obsession with minor, unimportant details at the expense of the larger picture. Because these symptoms impair the user’s ability to perceive events and  the surrounding environment rationally, decision making also suffers.

NO SURRENDER

Hitler suffered from all these symptoms and, at least as far as his generals were concerned, his thinking did indeed become impaired, especially his ability to make intelligent, rational decisions. A number of the generals assigned to Hitler’s headquarters were convinced he was losing his mind.

One of the reasons the war in Europe ended in the spring of 1945 and not many months or even years later is that even as the tide of war turned against Germany, Hitler irrationally demanded that his battlefield commanders hold every inch of ground they had conquered, even when their situations became hopeless. In late 1942, for example, General Friedrich von Paulus, commander of the Sixth Army, requested permission to withdraw his troops from the Russian city of Stalingrad to avoid being surrounded by a superior force of Russian troops. Hitler, who by now was receiving shots every day, responded with a lunatic reply that the Sixth Army could withdraw from Stalingrad, “provided that it could still hold Stalingrad.” Unable to think of a way to abandon a position and hang onto it at the same time, von Paulus dutifully remained remained in the city. Stalingrad was surrounded a few weeks later, and in January 1943, the Sixth Army surrendered. As many  as 800,000 Axis troops died in the Battle of Stalingrad, and when it ended, 90,000 soldiers who survived it were marched off to Siberia. All but 6,000 perished.
Stalingrad.
Had Hitler allowed von Paulus to withdraw to a defensive position when requested, hundreds of thousands of German soldiers would have lived to fight another day, and the war might have dragged on for years. Instead, Stalingrad marked the turning point of the war and the beginning of the end for Nazi Germany. Who knows? We may have Dr. Morell and his amphetamines to thank for the war ending when it did.

MIND…AND BODY

In addition to the psychological side effects of amphetamine abuse, there are physical side effects, among them twitching, tremors, and what are called “stereotypes”: compulsive behaviors, such as repeated picking at or biting one’s own skin. Hitler was twitchy, his head jerked uncontrollably, and he had tremors in spades -the shaking that began in his left hand soon spread down his left leg and then to his right hand. He also exhibited at least two types of stereotypical behavior: compulsively biting the skin around the nails of his thumbs, and picking and scratching at the skin on the back of his neck until it became infected.

The trembling in Hitler’s left leg impaired his ability to walk normally, but there may be another explanation for the slow, foot-dragging shuffle and loss of motor function that he displayed at the end of his life. Chronic amphetamine abuse takes a terrible toll on the cardiovascular system and can cause both heart attacks and strokes. Electrocardiographs taken of Hitler’s heart in July 1941 and again in September of 1943 show a deterioration in heart function between the two dates that is consistent with a heart attack. And among Dr. Morell’s surviving medical records is an article torn from a June 1943 medical journal that may provide another clue. Topic of the article: How to treat a heart attack.

Then in February 1945, the Hestons write, “Hitler suffered at least one small stroke; but he may have had several, and, indeed, his rapid decline from this time onward suggests widespread cardiovascular disease.” The odds of a healthy 56-year-old man suffering both a heart attack and one or more strokes are “distinctly improbable,” say the Hestons: “The most parsimonious explanation, given the lack of conclusive evidence, is to attribute both vascular events to the injection of intravenous amphetamine.” By April 1945, Hitler was so close to death that had he not killed himself, it may have been just a matter of time before he dropped dead from amphetamine-induced “natural” causes.

SO LONG?

Morell remained by Hitler’s side until almost the very end …but not quite. Ironically, the cause of Hitler’s falling-out with his beloved quack was an injection: Hitler had resigned himself to remaining in Berlin and committing suicide before the city fell to the Russians. Many in the Führer’s inner circle wanted him to escape to the mountains of southern Germany, where it might have been possible for the remnants of the military, led by Hitler, to hold out indefinitely. Hitler would hear none of it. He was determined to die in his capital, but he feared that his subordinates would drug him and take him out of Berlin against his will. And who better to administer the drugs than Morell? When the doctor came to Hitler on April 21 with yet another syringe filled with who-knows-what (probably just more amphetamines), the raging, paranoid Führer fired him on the spot. Not that Morell minded- by then the bombs were dropping on the führerbunker 24 hours a day, and he was desperate for an excuse to escape.
Der Führerbunker, 1947.
LAST GASP

Morell did make it out of Berlin, and he survived the war, but not by much. A few days after fleeing the city, he checked into a hospital complaining of heart problems. On July 17, 1945, he was arrested by the Americans and imprisoned. After investigators determined he was not guilty of any war crimes, he was released. Morell’s health continued to deteriorate, and by June 1947 he was back in the hospital, where he remained bedridden until May 1948, when he died shortly after suffering a stroke.

Medical Diagnosis: Gollum Has Schizoid Personality Disorder

If Gollum seems a bit off to you when you interact with him, there's a reason why. He has a mental illness. But which one? In 2004, a group of medical students led by Nadia Bashir published an article in the British Medical Journal about their efforts to diagnose the Lord of the Rings character. They examined his behavior and concluded that Gollum has schizoid personality disorder:
Several differential diagnoses need to be considered, and we should exclude organic causes for his symptoms. A space occupying lesion such as a brain tumour is unlikely as his symptoms are long standing. Gollum's diet is extremely limited, consisting only of raw fish. Vitamin B-12 deficiency may cause irritability, delusions, and paranoia. His reduced appetite and loss of hair and weight may be associated with iron deficiency anaemia. He is hypervigilant and does not seem to need much sleep. This, accompanied by his bulging eyes and weight loss, suggests hyperthyroidism. Gollum's dislike of sunlight may be due to the photosensitivity of porphyria. Attacks may be induced by starvation and accompanied by paranoid psychosis.
An internet search found over 1300 sites discussing the nature of Gollum's “mental illness.” We asked 30 randomly selected medical students if they thought Gollum had a mental illness. Schizophrenia was the most common diagnosis (25 students), followed by multiple personality disorder (three). On initial consideration schizophrenia seems a reasonable diagnosis. However, in the context of the culture at the time it is unlikely. Delusions are false, unshakeable beliefs, not in keeping with the patient's culture. In Middle Earth, the power of the ring is a reality. The passivity phenomena Gollum experiences are caused by the ring, and these symptoms occur in all ring bearers. Gollum does not fulfil the ICD-10 criteria for the diagnosis of schizophrenia.3
The presence of two personalities, Gollum and Sméagol, raises the possibility of multiple personality disorder. In this diagnosis one personality is suppressed by the other and the two personalities are always unaware of each other's existence.3 In this case, Gollum and Sméagol occur together, have conversations simultaneously, and are aware of each other's existence.
Gollum displays pervasive maladaptive behaviour that has been present since childhood with a persistent disease course. His odd interests and spiteful behaviour have led to difficulty in forming friendships and have caused distress to others. He fulfils seven of the nine criteria for schizoid personality disorder (ICD F60.1), and, if we must label Gollum's problems, we believe that this is the most likely diagnosis.

Are Exclamation Marks Killing Us With Kindness?

Does the exploding use of exclamation marks indicate the end of the linguistic world as we know it? Not necessarily.