Language X is Essentially Language Y Under Conditions Z

There are about 6,000 languages in the world, but according to this long list compiled by John Cowan, all languages are basically the same.
Here's "Language X is essentially language Y under conditions Z":

English is essentially Low German plus even lower French minus any sense of culture. -- Danny Weir
Scots is essentially English, only funnier. -- Thomas Leigh
Danish is essentially drunken Norwegian. -- John Cowan
Spanish is what happened when Moors tried to learn Latin and said "screw it." -- Charles Lavergne
Cantonese is essentially what everyone else in China calls swearing. --Kiri Aradia Morgan

More