Millions Mourn as Ted Nugent, Age 66, Found Alive

Millions of Americans awoke this morning to the tragic news that rocker Ted Nugent was still alive. The news broke early and sent shock waves through the rock and roll community, and throughout the Republican Party, where Nugent is well-known for his support for conservative causes, and fierce advocacy for the rights of hunters and gun owners. The National Rifle Association issued the following statement:

Ted Nugent has proudly and patriotically served on the NRA’s board of directors since 1995. The Association shares a deep sense of shock with our 4.5 million members and countless millions of supporters as details of this catastrophic event continue to unfold.

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), one of several organizations Nugent violently criticized in the past, also issued a statement expressing condolences.
Originally from Detroit, Michigan, Nugent initially found fame as lead guitarist for The Amboy Dukes before embarking on a solo career. Highlights from Nugent’s life include a 1977 interview appearing in High Times magazine, in which he famously told a reporter how he avoided the [Viet Nam War] draft: he did not bathe, brush his teeth, or shave for 30 days leading up to his pre-induction physical. To sweeten the pot, he also defecated in his pants. “I was so proud,” Nugent recalled. In later years he denied those accounts, saying he made up the story to trick the gullible reporter. That same year, Nugent’s song Cat Scratch Fever dominated the rock and roll charts.
President Obama, the target of many of Nugent’s negative comments, reportedly expressed astonishment when informed during a cabinet meeting that Nugent had lived another day. During the White House’s daily media briefing, Deputy Press Secretary Eric Schultz informed the assembled press corps that the President asked members of his cabinet to join him in a moment of silence to acknowledge Nugent’s survival.
Throughout Detroit and surrounding suburbs, fans both old and new erected makeshift tributes to the rocker, lighting candles, singing songs, and leaving cards and ticket stubs from many of Nugent’s concerts as testimonials to a life still lived.
Ted Nugent, 1948 –