The President of Belarus Declares His Nation's Sausage Free of Toilet Paper

Comrades, our moment of liberation is at hand! Alyaksandr Lukashenka, the President of Belarus, has declared that toilet paper is completely absent from the sausage that his nation produces. This, he says, is in sharp contrast to the sausage of neighboring Russia. The dictator, referring to himself in the third person, told reporters that Belarus has kept the food standards that it maintained while it was in the Soviet Union. Radio Free Europe reports:

He told Russian reporters on October 17 that Russia had lowered its food-quality standards after the 1991 collapse of the Soviet Union "while we, thanks to Lukashenka, retained state standards."
"Belarusian [food] is of substantially higher in quality. There is no toilet paper in the salami and never was," he said.
He added that "such facts have been discovered at Russian enterprises -- toilet paper, soy, all kinds of additives."